Wednesday, May 02, 2007
"ADDICTED TO LATTE"
In New York everyone is addicted to something. Some people are addicted to alcohol, others are addicted to tobacco and then there are a number of people that are addicted to "Lattes," one of the many items that can be found in the "Foo Foo Drink Category." A "Foo Foo Drink" is any drink at Starbucks that requires more than just your average manual labor.
People who don't drink FF drinks hate them. They think they are a waste of money. They believe that they can make a better drink at the cafe bar with warm half-and-half, 3 equals and some vanilla flavored white powder. They stir their coffee with a brown wooden stick and dive in for a sip. Not satisfied, they add some cinnamon in desperation and walk angrily away.
Outside Starbucks there are people that walk around with a clip board asking you to sign their petition. They want to make it mandatory to have an "Express Coffee Lane." Here, only regular coffee can be purchased. This would leave the FF drinkers stuck in a long line that makes them late to their meeting. These "Folger Hippies" have reason to complain. There is always that lady at Starbucks who has too much make-up on her face, so much that it looks like she just came from a Crayola Photo Shoot.The make-up has managed to drip onto her little white poodle, and now it looks like a moving Skittle. This lady is on the phone with her daughter discussing which color Juicy sweat pants she should buy for the sorority sleep over. As the phone conversation continues, a Starbucks employee asks, "Good Morning, would you like to place an order?" We all know people can multi-task, but its hard to be talking to two people at the same time about two totally different things. Finally after her drawn out conversation, the lady finally decides she is ready to place her order. "May I please have a Vanilla-Cafe-Latte-with-Soy-Milk-Half- Of-An-Equal-Packet-2-Sweet-And-Lows-One-Splenda-And-3-Ice- Cubes, please." (Saying please in a sentence twice is definitely better than saying it just once.) People are lazy, but being so lazy that you need someone else to open up a packet of sugar for you and pour it in your coffee, this means you have issues. After she tells the lady at the register her name, she turns around and whispers to the lady behind her, "My nutritionist recommended this drink." She just ordered a "Foo Foo Drink Gone Wild."
Everyday is a different adventure in this city. Just walking to the subway two blocks from your apartment can be an experience. On the way to the subway you are sure to encounter at least three "Street People." Now, some of these "Street People" have signs. Most signs say, "Hungry, Please Help," "Homeless, 4 Years," and of course, "Can you spare some change?" However, sometimes these people get creative and actually spend some time thinking about their sign.
A sign that caught my attention about three days ago while walking home from workl read, "What the #%@& is just a buck." I thought the rhyme was nice and I also like that the man didn’t spell out the four letter word. A “SP” should never offend parents who have young children with an obscene sign. Another "Street Person" that grabbed my was the guy who sits in the East Village on a Bob Marley rug. His techique is very fresh and innovative. He ties dental floss to a branch and hangs a Dixie cup from the top of the branch in order to show people he is fishing for change. The guy deserves something for standing out from all the other "SP." I don't mind giving this guy my spare change when I have some in my pocket.
Another sign I noticed was being held up by a girl who was 70 perecent Nine Inch Nails and 30 percent Gwen Stefani. Her sign read, "Just be glad I am not mugging you." As I walked by her she whispered in my ear,"Spare Change?" I also liked a sign that said ,"Won't Work for Shit, No Fuckin Way." This message is simple, to the point, clear and honest, all of which are important when making a street sign. But, the "SP" that I would love to have working for me one day is the guy who found a way to catch my attention and got me to laugh as soon as I read his sign. It read, "Civil War Vet." What is so funny about a Civil War Vet? Nothing at all. What is funny is the person that was holding up the sign was maybe 23.
In our fast forward world where everything is about Tivo why hasn't Sharpie Markers sponsored "Street People" signs. Every "Street Person Sign" I have seen in this city has used a Sharpie to get their message across. If "Sharpie" just put a little sticker on each sign, many people would see the Sharpie brand in their life every morning. It would basically be like a mobile billboard.
Anyway, if I ever have to make a cardboard sign and sit on the street mine will read, "Please help, my Sharpie ran out of in."
"OOPS PHONE CALL"
This morning I felt bad for anyone in the world who's name starts with the letter A, owns a cell phone, and has any friends. I writethis blog for Al, Amy, Adam, Alice, Andy, Alan, Alex, Arthur, Anna, and Andrew. At about 6:30 this morning I got an, "Oops Phone Call."
Now, I don't know whether this person who called me by mistake blames their fingers or their back pocket, but someone needs to win a trophy for beating my alarm clock in the race to wake me up first. If the caller had their keys in their front left pocket, wallet in their front right pocket, and non-flip phone in their back right pocket, we can’t blame the fingers for this "Oops Phone Call." All charges for this mistake should be placed on the person's ass and the lock button. Man, where this world would be if everyone turned in their non-flip phones or learned how to use the lock button. And you always know when it is an "Oops Phone Call" because the person who has made the mistake does not know what to say, since they really weren't trying to get a hold of you. It's basically about 20 to 30 seconds of dead silence on one end, and the person who has just been woken up or bothered on the other end saying," Hello, Hello, Hello, is anyone there." There is a reason why I will only own flip phones.
A few years ago one of these "Oops Phone Calls" ruined a 4 year friendship between a group of teenage girls. Becca Rimmer and Julie Stiller were driving home from the mall with their tight, stonewashed, Lucky Brand "Lil Maggie Jeans" on. These jeans that are so tight you question how blood could move through those girls' bodies. There is so little breathing room that any movement could lead to a phone call if the lock button isn’t in use. Of course, Becca and Julie start talking bad about Amy Waters and Amy Waters happens to be the first name in Becca's phone. Before the director can call ,"Action," a four year friendship is destroyed in a matter of seconds, because of a tight pair of jeans and a phone that couldn't flip or lock. These types of phones are deadly.
To all my friends: if any of you guys are truly my friend, please take a minute out of your busy day to change my name from Adam to Rosenberg A. I promise I will not mind being number 27 in your phone. I may even like you more.